


Drowning

by BloodWolf13



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alfred Pennyworth is a Saint, Angst, Bruce Wayne Has Issues, Bruce Wayne Needs a Hug, Gen, Grieving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23055058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodWolf13/pseuds/BloodWolf13
Summary: Bruce is (not) dealing with Alfred death.
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & Bruce Wayne
Kudos: 11





	Drowning

Drowning.

  
The rain in Gotham is always freezing. It has been like that since I was a small child. This cold feeling that stays with you when the rain hits your skin and takes a long time to fade. There were some days when my father didn’t have to work where I would play in the rain, where we used to sit by the fire trying to warm up. Alfred would come and give me hot cocoa and chocolate chip cookies, and give my parents warm tea with some biscuits.

  
Those days would eventually become the most bittersweet memories of my life, after my parent’s murders.  
It was raining when they died, when they were shot by a thief who just wanted more and more. In the end he didn’t get what he wanted - the necklace…that damn necklace - but he did take all he could from me. It was raining when I was drowning in my grief on my knees, besides my parent’s bodies. It was raining when the police arrived and I had drowned in the rain.  
After they took me to the station, dried me up and put me in some new clothes. I never felt like I stopped drowning. The cold of the rain had stuck on my skin and I felt like I was freezing. Always freezing. I was shaking when Alfred arrived, I never even noticed him until he touch my shoulder. He looked at me and I just kept crying.

He hugged me for what must have been hours, never leaving my side - a reflection of the following years - he stood there becoming the rock I needed in that moment. The first thing that brought me any sense of warmth after my parent’s deaths was Alfred’s hug. I remember thanking him for being there - after the funeral - but I don’t think I ever told him that he gave my world a little bit of warmth.

  
Drowning.  
Drowning.

The rain in Gotham smells like blood. It has a dark smell. Even before my parent’s deaths it smelled off, most people said it was the pollution from the numerous factories that the city had. Some said it was the smell of dark secrets that only a city build in blood could have. The latter would eventual be right.

When my parents died I never stop smelling the blood in the rain. It had become ingrate in my very being.  
During the funeral it was raining and I choked the bile that came to my mouth when the smell of the rain hit me. I hated that smell with a passion. The water hitting my black suit was freezing. It had turned the dirt of the cemetery into mud. After the funeral the guests with their pity stares left I was alone with Alfred in a mansion.

I never told him how the rain was making me feel, but I didn’t have to. Alfred knew he always did. Alfred baked chocolate chip cookies for days after the funeral, it filled the house. It made the smell of Gotham’s rain bearable again.  
I never told him that for the following years every time I got queasy because of the smell of blood I would think of him. How he was waiting for me to get home with a warmth meal and a lecture about overworking myself. It would make the sensation go away and the crime easier to deal with.

Drowning  
Drowning.  
Drowning.

The rain in Gotham is always pouring. It falls like a flow and makes small rivers. It occasionally floods everything in its path. When I was little my mother started a massive project - it started in crime alley - to make sure that the sewer systems were updated and clean. She finished that project but she never saw the full impact it had on the place. Over the next decade most damages caused by floods and clogged sewers that occurred during rainy season in Gotham disappeared.

She died close to the where the project started. Her blood was taken by the rain into the sewers that she had helped built.  
For a few months after the funeral I remember looking into the pouring rain and seeing blood. I started to avoid showering the best I could and I would often have to close my eyes to be able to bear it. Alfred started to draw me long hot baths. He used to bring historical toy ships and tell me the stories behind them. When I went to private school, I was able to shower on my own without flinching.

I never thank him for that.

When I was return from my years of training and faced killer crock I thought about replacing those sewers systems so he couldn’t hide in them. It was Alfred that reminded me that one of my mom’s final projects and the sewers were still working perfectly. I double the donations from the Wayne Foundation and never reconsider changing the still working system.  
I never thank him for that.

Drowning.  
Drowning.  
Drowning.  
Drowning.

Some of the worst nightmares I ever had involved rain. It was always the same type of rain. The freezing cold one that made me think I would never find warmth again. I was always freezing and drowning…drowning in their blood, in my guilt, in my mistakes. My fault…always my fault. I deserved to drown.

I had bat nightmares after I fell down the hole for weeks after the incident. My parents would wake in the middle of the night from my screams and would comfort me with reassuring words that I was safe and nothing could hurt me. Then they died and their reassuring words became bitter lies.

When I woke up from nightmares Alfred would always be there with warmth tea and a snack. He would dry my tears and I would stop drowning. He never told me that everything would be alright, but he always told me I was safe.  
I’m not safe now.

Drowning  
Drowning.  
Drowning.  
Drowning.  
Drowning.

The rain is pouring now, freezing, stinky and terrifying as I stand before Alfred’s grave. It’s everything I felt when my parents died and more. So much more. He’s gone and the warmth I took for granted for so long is buried with his decaying corpse.  
He is dead. Alfred is dead. This runs through my head over and over again like a melody. The most twisted and horrifying melody I have ever heard. It haunts me. My rock is gone.

I am an adult man, but my rock is dead. Died. Gone. I stand in the world with my family - a member is missing - with my mission, my company, my will and my objective and still I feel so lost.

I’m cold.  
So very cold. Where can I warm up?  
I feel sick to my stomach. How can I get rid of that feeling?  
I’m cover in blood rain. Will I ever feel clean again?  
This is my worst nightmare come true. Can I wake up?  
I stand on my feet for my kids…who grieve a grandfather. How did you do this Alfred? How did you push aside your grief and were able to help me? How can I do this without you?

Most of us have died at least once and came back. Maybe you will too. This feels different. This feels final in a way I’m not prepared. A childish voice inside of me whispers ‘please come back’. I choke.

There are too many words I need to say to you. Confessions I must give you. An eternal gratitude I could never explain. I’ve always found the wrong words and was able to hurt the ones I love most. But with you? You always knew what to say to me, you always knew what my silent meant. You always knew my pain, my guilt, and my misery and were able to keep me from drowning in it.

How do you thank a father? How do you thank a mother? How can I thank you Alfred?

You saved me.

Before I was Batman, I was Bruce Wayne a small deeply traumatized child, who could not deal with grief. You think thought that Batman was just a way to cope with that trauma. The first day I put one the cowl I broke your heart. The first day I came back half dead I broke your heart. The first day robin showed up I broke your heart. The first time a robin died I broke your heart.

How many times did I hurt you? How many times did you saved me? How can I pay you back in death when in life all I did was hurt you? How did you not drown alongside me?

It’s raining now Alfred. It’s raining so much. I’m struggling to breath under your death.

Drowning. I’m drowning again and this time Alfred isn’t coming. I’m Batman and I have saved millions of lives. But I could never save myself, you always did. No one is going to save me now.

Under Gotham’s rain I’m drowning, I’m freezing, I’m losing…

Alfred I’m ashamed to say that…

I’ve drown.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm back in a new fandom. This is different from my previous Fic for obvious reasons. Still I hope you like it.  
> Thank you for reading this. Beware the mistakes and be nice in the comments.  
> Blood Wolf


End file.
